The Truth About Sadness

Today I thought to myself, "I wonder if I'm bipolar."

Lately my emotions have been quite up and down, and my mind absolutely consumed with thoughts ranging from the importance we place upon things like money and social status to the good old "does he like me does he like me?" but I've had no relief. I wish so badly to have nothing to think about for one moment. I want an open sky and a clear mind, but I'm reminded constantly of my schedule and obligations and such.

I'm suffering from the things in my mind not necessarily matching up with reality. An imagination is good only if I'm able to live the experiences I imagine for real, right?

I talked to one of my best friends for a long time today. She told me she was having trouble coming to terms with who she is, versus who she was in the past and wishes she could be. Sometimes I think humans would be better off with only short term memories and we could float through life with a new beginning every day or week. No matter how independent I am, I will never be free from my past.

How does someone get over the past? I can't really remember when I stopped crying about my first love every day. I was in a constant state of sadness, and it was such a shame. The people who knew me most were so confused and worried. I would wake up and think, "this is the day I'm done with all of it! I feel so great!" but by the time I was lying in bed at night, I was crying and wishing to go back in time. That was the only experience I wished for, to have again and again the feeling that someone loved me. Because it's damn hard to live without it once you've had it.

Now, I almost never cry. If I do, it's usually about water polo or my grades. But it's because I feel empty.

It's really frustrating to know that my options are to trust, love, and open myself up to hurt while in a relationship or talking to someone like my best friend, who's been badly disappointed. Or to be alone. And no matter how much I love my friends, there is nothing sweeter than falling asleep next to someone's breathing and snoring, waking up with their arms around you, and being the first thing they see when they wake up. Why is nature so vicious? It feels terrible to want someone, but it's what we do until we die.

So which do I choose?

I feel I've been so many people in my life already; I've been madly in love, more depressed than I could ever have imagined myself being, and now I feel like the toughest, least trusting version of me. But how can I make myself trust men when all I've ever known is the feeling of being stupid, gullible, misguided?

The truth is that there is no trick.

I will always be a little off balance. I will always have doubts. I will always have those bad memories to propagate the doubts that arise. One day, I'll meet someone who will make me know how much I mean to him, will be proud to call me his, and will make sure I'm always the first thing he sees when he wakes up.

One day - the saddest thing to say