Thursday night was amazing. It started with a vodka shot...
First let me say, this was not a random hookup. This guy I've known for a month or so, but probably met at least once last year. He's a roommate of one of my close platonic male friends. We've always gotten along, and I always thought he was too hot for me (ha ha... I have my moments.) We've never exchanged numbers or expressed any interest in each other besides talking a whole lot when I'm already there for a party. We're like fairweather friends who happen to have meaningful conversations whilst slightly tipsy.
We started to play poker the other night, teaching Beatrice and Petunia how to play and I of course getting increasingly more competitive with each round (and each drink, most likely). Competition is almost a fault of mine, where I desire to absolutely destroy everyone with whom I'm playing a game. Any game. I start talking shit like all the boys I hang out with, and probably sound upwards of ridiculous.
After everyone got tired of losing to my competitive ass, we all just hung around talking and listening to music. Then the inevitable Clarence-me intense conversation commenced and we were standing there staring in each other's eyes and covering topics most likely covered in a religion or philosophy class... prompting "Wtf" looks from everyone else I'm sure.
Such a sucker for good conversation.
Beatrice and Petunia left because they had things to do in the morning, but I was sufficiently inebriated and decided to stay and talk some more (literally, that went through my mind: I want to keep talking! not: I want to sleep with him, oddly.) We played video games (because that totally turns me on? UH??) and I think by some act of God I won one. There really had to be some divine intervention there because I'm totally uncoordinated.
"Do you want to just sleep with me?"
"Yeah, sure."
So it begun. Cuddle. Cuddle. So cute looking back on it I could gag. Neither of us had actually done it in a really long time. I mean... I felt it prudent to do so.
"I really like you... I like that you think about different things, and you're so confident... "
-"but?"
"No 'but'."
We talked about relationships, and he said he didn't want to be in one because he doesn't want all his time to be taken up with one person. Who the heck are these guys dating these days? The most clingy girls in the freaking hemisphere? I think I was tired/still tipsy enough to be sassy and say, "Well it's not like you get to take up all of my life, either!"
And I can say I was being honest.
He warned me that he was going to wake up and want to have sex again. My kind of guy. We woke up and cuddled some more, and he told me I could keep him warm. Why is this so damn cute? UGH. So there I was, laying on top of him, rubbing noses like some fucking scene from Bambi, and he started massaging my always tired and sore back muscles. I'm not sure if he knew that he was being perfect. P-e-r-f-e-c-t.
I felt like we were a married couple... who happened to be in their 20s or something. He made me oatmeal for breakfast, and kept telling me how different I am. (Can you tell I want to remember this forever?) We say there in his bed, me in my underwear, him in his clothes about to leave for class, and taking spoonfuls of my oatmeal every now and then. He told me to stay as long I wanted, and kissed me goodbye...
I want to remember this because it was so perfect. And because perfection is so fleeting, and so subjective to perspective...
Something made me not leave my number. I thought about it, very hard actually. I thought about leaving him a note by his bed, saying I want to see him again. What made me not do it?
For the first time in my life, I want to hide, and be found again.
However, this want is complicated. I know I can't go to my friend's apartment and not see Clarence. Not talk to Clarence. Maybe I should only go in day time. I don't want to jeopardize my platonic friendship though and never show up. But I don't want Clarence to think I'm down to be in a friends with benefits type of situation with him.
He's too amazing for that. And I'm too special.
This marks a point in adulthood for me. For once, I'm able to leave something at its original state for the sake of other people, and the sake of staying true to myself. I know that if I slept with him even one more time, I would get more attached. I would have feelings deeper than his (at least I think so, if he's a red-blooded American boy like every other one I've ever known). I know that I am worth the effort of a relationship, of chasing me down.
I'm precious, and I know it. I think he knows it. But I will never believe action always follows thought. He might not do a damn thing; he 99% likely won't do a damn thing. It doesn't mean I don't wish I could have that night over and over, because I do. But how many times have I tried to get what I want, and it is a total dramatic failure nuclear wasteland of a friendship afterwards?
Lightning has struck me too many times to go sit out in the rain.
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