Nothing is Permanent

... cue emotional wormhole.

As much as I'd love to believe that there is a Truth, love is forever, and the people I trust will always be there for me, I'm way too cynical. Hopefully this doesn't mean I'll never find the emotional content I'm craving right now, but my future appears kind of dismal at the moment.

My 15 minute bus route after art history today left me pissed off (some girl was super rude to me - where are manners nowadays, byatch??) and contemplating what I truly know and don't know. I know nothing, it seems. I couldn't find the specific quote I was looking for, but I remember it being something like this:

"the truth is simply your perspective of how things occurred"

So applicable to my life... and such a great explanation for my constant state of befuddlement. But I feel there must be some kink in our evolution. Why were we given perspective if it only complicates things? Why are we aware of different perspectives than our own? Are we shooting ourselves in the foot by chronologically ordering our truths in order to make a decision? From my pea brain:

Once upon a time, I slept with a guy who didn't make me breakfast. He also didn't seem to care about what I said. Later in once-upon-a-time, I slept with a different guy who I knew cared about me and told me how great it was to want to sleep with me and want to talk to me afterwards (how gracefully put.) He also made sure I was fed in the morning. SO. Once-upon-a-last-week, I slept with Clarence and we talked and talked and he made me breakfast and kissed me goodbye like we'd been doing that same-old same-old for years. He must care about me!

Falso. So I find out now that he's had this "thing" (because we're in the 21st century and can no longer define our relationships with people apparently) with some girl from College Station. She's obsessed with him. And what guy is really going to turn down someone who's obsessed with him?

feeling ridiculous right about now


It's not that I expected anything absolutely breathtakingly romantic to come out of this. But one of my (many) fatal flaws is that I never sleep with someone who I couldn't see myself with. I'm erroneously programmed. Real people can emotionally detach before they sleep with someone, and I'm the idiot who can't do it unless I'm attached somehow. Trying to think about what I would say to him is exhausting.

"So... you asked me to sleep with you... yet you already have someone pining after you like a puppy... and you weren't drunk... and you told me you liked me... yet you still haven't communicated with me in two weeks... and I find out from your roommate's not-girlfriend-but-kind-of that some lady friend existed in your life before me and after me... and that's not supposed to bother me a teeeeensy bit?"

I promise I'm not lying when I have the patience of a saint and don't get mad easily, or stay mad for long. I'm not mad anymore, I'm just... humiliated. I feel so stupid because I knew nothing. I hate not knowing. But what do I do now? Confrontation? (nope, too chicken.) Acting like nothing is wrong? (nope, I'd do the thing I do where my eyes get really wide and it's obvious I'm as comfortable as when the doctor is sitting there with her hand up my---- .) Humor? ("ha ha! YA fooled me!" - nope.) So sadly my conclusion last night was altogether avoidance of the subject.

That one works for most normal people at least. But what about the truth of the matter?

I like the truth, when it's from my perspective. 


Funny addendum:

Thinking about the last person that I truly liked, and hurt me - to the extent that I totally changed my behavior.
We were laying in bed, and he told me,
"You know at first, I thought you were really stupid."
Surprisingly, that one didn't last.
That just made me laugh really hard.
I see him every day at practice, and now I feel like I'm going to laugh at him -

You have to be REALLY dense to think I'm stupid.