Un-pretty, Too

I was thinking of writing this post whilst eating a bunch of vanilla pudding with chocolate chips in it... how fitting. To be clear, this isn't a pity party, nor is it a blog tooting my own horn. I am simply fascinated/bothered by how my self-image can change daily while I look essentially the same every day.

My mother once asked me, "Do you not want to be pretty?"

I have the problem of picking out one issue about myself, and stressing about it and giving it so much attention that it perpetuates the problem. I have bad skin, and it makes me feel so ugly. I wish more than anything in the world that I could wake up in the morning and not feel like I need makeup. I know that stressing over it and over-trying to get rid of it only makes it worse. I think that the stressing over it makes me even more un-pretty. My hair looks great because I pay zero attention to it. Ironic.

My mom knows that the problem is completely within. Part of the reason I appear so calm the majority of the time is that I deal with any stress self-destructively. I have had so many situations that I absolutely cannot fix and have no power to fix, and the obvious (stupid) solution is to try and "fix" something that isn't that wrong. How's that for unattractive?

I've been on the other facet of my mother's question as well, though. Nothing is worse than thinking someone likes you, and then realizing he only thinks your hot, and isn't listening to you.

I have friends who aren't attractive but are extremely smart and end up in happy relationships. All of my super-gorgeous friends may have boyfriends, but they aren't the most talkative or deep relationships. Then there's us, the "attractive, intelligent ones". That's how I feel most of my friends fit. Few of my best girlfriends have boyfriends. We're stuck in the middle, being real people. We're not models, but we're smart. But we're not anti-social savants who can reject everything worldly, either.

Every time I'm told I'm beautiful, I want to be ugly and disappear and be left alone. Every time I look in the mirror, I wish I was more beautiful.

Am I scared that my personality will be lost if I become that girl who is perfectly fit and doesn't have to wear a bit of makeup to look photo-ready? Am I just angry that I don't deal with my problems in a constructive way? Or do I blame it on "media and society" for giving me unrealistic expectations - that I should be everything, that I need to possess it all to be loved? Am I worried that my husband won't love me anymore if I look good now - and that later in life that he'll talk about me, "well she has a really great personality!"?

I wonder if I'm the only ridiculous person in the world who wants to turn a switch on and off with my moods. When I feel ugly, I don't want anyone to look at me. I don't want to see the guy I like. When I look good, I want to be around other people, but then instantly regret it when I think to myself, "but I'm not pretty without makeup." How is it so easy for other people? Why can't I just be the perfect woman?

Just another one of the many reasons I don't know if I am ready for a relationship. Who wants to be with a perfectionist? NO ONE. WE ARE PAINS IN THE ASS.

I know my perspective is very myopic at this point, but this is one of the things that most confuses me. That I am so confident about my personality, yet want to hide in a hole because I feel ugly.

It is completely true though, that no one can make you feel beautiful but yourself. 

Step 1: stop acting like everything is okay when it's not, even if my friends have heard a thousand times that my roommate makes me feel terrible and I cry all the time because of her.
Step 2: express myself positively, go running, go swim, something productive versus destructive.
Step 3: stop looking at myself.
Step 4: personality and looks should always compliment each other, not overbear on each other or overwhelm one way or the other.
Step 5: buy a burka if this doesn't work.

... We shall see. I might start keeping track of how I feel a little more diligently. And don't give me crap "but you're so pretty!" comments because it's bull to me. No offense. The goal is that one day it won't be, but right now I should only listen to myself.