Writer's Block

I haven't written for a long time because I've lost my sense of humor.

Most of the time, even if I'm miserable, I can make something funny out of it and somehow that makes the situation a little better. Right now though, I feel pretty fucked. There are about 10 million little things in my life, and big things I guess, that make me seriously unhappy. I can't get out of this one. I don't want to write because I don't want to bitch. I'm easily figured out in one simple equation:

Pride + emotional repression + pleasing other people + anxiety + competitive + self-doubt + knowing somewhere deep inside that I'm an intelligent human being = me.

I've never wanted to disappear more than I have the last month. I feel like all I do is make a fool of myself while being a normal stupid college kid, but getting twice as much crap from it than everyone else. And the crap that I get about it has made someone important to me dislike me, even. He won't talk to me. He doesn't want to be near me. Humor doesn't fix someone genuinely wishing you didn't exist.

Part of me wants to quit water polo so badly. SO SO SO badly. Whether in actuality or in my head, I will never be good enough. Try as I might, I can't keep up. My coach is constantly frustrated with me, and I start tearing up whenever I actually try to talk to him about anything and I just walk off. Pride. I'm already not very good compared to everyone else and it doesn't help that I cry about it.

No one on the team bothered me last year. Now I'm always irritated with people, with or without reason. Maybe it's because I bite my tongue about a lot of things - I don't feel like I have the authority to call people out on their hypocrisies or confront anyone when I have a problem. I'd rather keep the peace. Whether or not I wake up in the morning doesn't depend on a confrontation with a teammate, does it?

I was so upset that my study abroad program was changed from fall to spring. I have wanted nothing more than to survive the spring season, lay low in summer, and then disappear. I don't want people to talk about me. I don't want to be involved in plans because I feel like no one wants me there.

I know it's my own fault, but I hold up some of my relationships with people. There's about 3 people who actually text me first, wanting to do something. Or want to talk to me. Maybe I'm afraid I'll feel lonelier than I already feel if I don't "do the work" in some of my friendships. Hopefully I haven't written in so long that no one will see this, at least for a while. I don't want anyone to feel guilty, because I know how many different things each of us has going. I know that I have an unusual ability to juggle things and people and remain focused and (usually) not forget about anyone.

If only I could care less -