Things have been changing. It's like the wind; you can't see it, but you can feel it.
WOMP WOMP. Anyways, I've been undergoing a lot of mental/emotional changes lately. I believe it to be a culmination of a very good birthday, a lot of spare time, and a good friendship with a special guy.
I was feeling rather down in the dumps on my birthday. It wasn't a particularly bad day or anything. My grandfather's funeral coincided with my 18th birthday and last week was my 20th and I was a bit sad. However, my grandfather's prediction of, "I think you should go to UT, you'll be very happy there" within his last two weeks rang very true. I have fabulous friends. Who got together for my birthday and celebrated with me even though it was finals week. And humored me with playing lots of games because it's my favorite thing to do. I couldn't really ask for more...
Spare time. Finals are over. I usually come to a conclusion about many things after finals are over. I want something, or I don't. I can tell someone, or I will leave it be. It's worth it, or it's not. All these things are finalized and actually neatly organized in my head. My thoughts have begun to flow again in their usual artful fashion and are no longer abrupt and ugly like "study for this" "study for that" or "get this done." Maybe I'm the only crazy person that prefers their thoughts to be attractive. Definitely.
One of my friends treats me like a princess. I have yet to discern whether or not I'm special, loved as more than a friend, or simply that our brains are connected like umbilical cords to one another and that's why we understand each other. The last two weeks have been a bizarre set of events, small and large, that have confused me, but for once in a good way. The situation is win-win for me.
It began with my birthday. I have never had a guy care about my birthday. Granted, it was a couple of them. But Remedio showed up and was happy to be there. I must have painfully low expectations.
But the true weirdness began on his birthday, two days later. I wanted to see him before I left for vacation with my family, so I texted him that night to see what he was up to. He invited me to go downtown with some of his friends. The two other people were both girls, but they were really friendly to me and didn't act like my presence was going to ruin their night. Remedio normally doesn't drink and is a terrible lightweight. So we're drinking and he starts acting... friendly. Super friendly. DRUNK friendly. I'm just buzzed and thinking the whole situation is hilarious. We go dancing and he doesn't dance with anyone else. And when I do, he cockblocks like no one's business and gets in their way. So I'm thinking either really protective or into me. Or that drunk. Such ambiguities. We practically can't get him out the door when a fight breaks out because he's so upset that people are fighting. The car ride home was equally interesting, with his head on my lap bemoaning making out with one of my friends the night before and simultaneously drunk texting something really stupid to a girl he's interested in. I promised Remedio I wouldn't make out with him. HA. I know how to comfort confused men I guess.
"I love you!" - as I'm getting out of the car. What. In retrospect, this isn't as surprising as I drunkenly originally thought.
So my enebriated self texted him back after I got inside and told him I hoped he was okay and got home safely. Next morning he responds and we text until... 4pm. Then the party begins!
Literally, a party began. I went over to my friends, knowing mostly acquaintances would be there and expecting to just meet a lot of new friends. I'm sitting there, chatting up this guy I think is cute and making (cough) charming off-color jokes, and CLARENCE walks in. Now, this wasn't supposed to be a big deal. He and I had talked on the phone over Thanksgiving break, and I assumed we were on friendly, non-sexual terms. He came over and said hi and was totally normal, apart from being extraordinarily drunk. I just chilled with some of the guys and munched on chips. I was having a good night.
I had been bugging Remedio to come to the party because he knew the host and one of his teammates was there. And he already told me he was sitting at home watching TV, which is a terrible excuse unless it's SVU, Sex and the City, or River Monsters. In my opinion. Well, he finally showed up around 2am, and I was happy to see someone sober and familiar. However, Clarence comes up and begins the most awkward conversation I have ever had in my life. It went as follows:
C: You know, guys and girls can't ever just be friends. (looks at my friend and I)
Me, eyes rolling: Really, Clarence. I think that's not true. Remedio and I are friends, and we've never hooked up.
Remedio: (nods)
C: It's just not possible. One of you wants to fuck the other one. I know it.
Me, to my friend: Do you want to have sex with me? No, didn't think so. It's okay, I don't want to have sex with you either.
(this was my futile attempt to just end the conversation, in a very direct way.)
C: I don't believe you. He wants to have sex with you then.
Remedio and I: UH NO.
C: Well either way, it's not gonna work out for you guys.
Thanks, asshole.
There was some additional dialogue about Clarence's being upset for his utter lack of self control and him needing to shut up. At this point I'm pretty sure I was glaring with the fire of a thousand suns, but glares like that don't phase hammered people. Also on the verge of tears. Remedio caught the vibe, gathered up a few friends, and we went to go eat. Of course, being the ninny I am, I started crying and ranting about how much he upset me. Remedio hadn't known I hooked up with Clarence. Not exactly something I want known publicly now since this guy is like a crazed drunk rabid wombat. Surprisingly, Remedio just told me that Clarence is a weirdo, and to not listen to him. I was expecting him to ask more, or talk more. He dropped me off at my apartment and told me to have a good holiday.
I don't know why it felt so weird. Probably something about being publicly confronted about our friendship. EGH AWKWARD LET THAT NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN PLEASE LORD.
The next morning, Remedio texted me telling me to have a safe flight. That meant a lot. I'm used to people not caring. When I told this to one of my other friends, she said, "you've known idiots for a long time."
We had been discussing our siblings one day and I told him I hoped my brother would propose to his girlfriend soon, and he told me he hoped his sister's boyfriend would be proposing soon. Thursday night, my brother told me he had a secret (which probably won't be a secret by tomorrow!!!) and showed me the ring. I had to tell somebody, and I at least thought Remedio would care. NO. He wanted to know everything, things I didn't even know. He wanted me to tell my brother congratulations. My brother barely knows who he is. My analysis of this is that Remedio is an extreme romantic and got irrationally excited about someone else being in love.
But then we texted for about four hours about our shitty past relationships. And we think exactly the same. It's so bizarre. That conversation's length has kept me from saying anything the last couple days. He has really crappy English. But it's okay. I just need a break from it.
I realized that the point of this is not whether or not he's interested in me or just loves me very much as a friend. I know what I know. I know that I love him as a friend very much, but I just can't envision us hooking up. Which is odd. It's almost displaced in my brain because I feel like I have a lot better things to associate with him than how he looks. I think more about both of us crying while watching a movie together or us talking about our families, not about having sex with him.
Which is how it should be.
What I've realized is that I would never, ever hook up with him if we weren't together. That could be never, and I will never hook up with him. That could be in a year. It could be anytime. But I know it won't be as "friends with benefits." People talk about the mistake of having a "friend" who you are too attached to. Mistake made. Already happened. And the "benefits" of having him as my friend and only my friend are many more than would be hooking up.
Friends with benefits is ignoring a person's heart in order to heighten the importance of their physical appearance. I couldn't ever ignore him.
This is comforting to me. I don't have doubts about screwing my friendship up by hooking up. I don't fear being too jealous of other girls because we communicate really well. Communication breaks down when you start to hook up with someone. That won't ever happen. It's less of a decision and more of fact. I don't know how Remedio feels, and I guess I could ask, but I'm going to let everything fall into place without talking it to death. I don't know if I'll end up with him, 99% likely chance I won't because of... actually I have no idea. I just get the gut feeling we'll mean something to each other as friends for a very long time. All I really know is that I am thankful that a guy treats me well and isn't demanding sex from me. Those guys are out there, and it's lovely to know and experience, even if we won't end up together.
Isn't it nice to know that guys and girls can really be friends, Clarence? The type that can think ahead and make small sacrifices to sustain a healthy friendship? The type that value each other as more than sexual objects, a means to an end? So that's what you did to me, it doesn't mean I have to accept that from someone else, or do that to someone else.
